More Than You Wanted to Know

I knew that i had a heart problem or the right term is Cardiomyopathy, which literally means "heart muscle disease," but

At the age of 33, I thought I was in great health. I had run regularly from the age of 12, and always took care my diet. Although I never thought I was invincible, I had no idea that I would have a heart attack. My family had always had a history of cancer so I figured that if I got sick, this would be my fate (hopefully later on down the line).

However, one day I finished working in the IBM research lab and was driving home with my husband Steve, when I became short of breath. It was an awful feeling--I felt like I was smothering to death and going to pass out. Steve called 911 and was told to get me to the nearest hospital which he did.

The fact that I was short of breath and shaking like a leaf, the doctor decided I need to do Electrocardiogram(EKG) and told me i am all ok . Actually, I later learned that shortness of breath and a sense of impending doom or death were signs of heart problems.

I felt ok once I left the hospital and even for a week or two later. I was on Conference in Boston, Massachusetts when I again got short of breath and could not walk. I was so dizzy, scared and light-headed that I spent the day in bed until finally that night, I went to an emergency room. I told the doctors about the last emergency room thought I had and they tried some breathing treatments for asthma.

Amazingly, while in the emergency room, a man in his thirties or forties came in with shortness of breath. He was whisked off for heart tests and his wife and two little children were there crying. I felt so sorry for them.

Later, I saw a doctor telling his wife that he had stomach problems and his heart was in good condition. If only I could have said the same! The doctors finally did an EKG after I told them that the breathing treatments were not working.

The results said that I had a possible MI(Blood Pressure effect). A cardiologist came into the room, looked at the reading and shrugged, stating that many "thin" in their 30's who were average had a similar reading. I took his word for it and left.

I finally persuaded my regular doctor at John Hopkin's to look at my heart. He finally sent me for tests. He called back and told me to get to the hospital. My husband Steve was with me at the time and took me to the hospital. I had tests including a heart catheterization that helps doctors to see inside the heart.

Later, when I was back in my room, the cardiologist came in and told me that I had suffered from a heart attack and also had a ventricular aneurysm (a ballooned out area of the heart) as a result of not resting my heart after the heart attack. I had been told that I had panic disorder so I thought that exercise would be good.

From mere Cardiomyopathy, i have got myself a heart attack! i have quit my teaching job at the university and went for vacation as been advised by Cardiologist and give some ample time for the medication to show some results before moving to next stage.

Maybe the Malaysian weather is too hot for me and the temptation for the food, although i am well behave and passed the foods tests, all in all, i am not very sure. I had a heart attacks last week and was unconscious and was admitted to the hospital at Penang!

Now here i am, back in New York, at the John Hopkins Hospital after the Surgeon has put in 2 balloon into my artery from the groin (lucky i have shaved). What is the term Angiogram! i am not sure.

I am alright for now,but i couldn't tell any different after the procedure. Right very moments i am in the Cardiac rehabilitation and will go on for about 3 more weeks.

Thank you for the prayer! I really don't wanna this story to be the big ho-ha! but Steve has wrote his prayer in this very blog!

Thank you again! and don't ignore any chest pain , it is time to check your heart once every year.

I pray

Well it's another day
And I'm thinking about
The things I wanna say
But my thoughts are like clouds
drifting far away
Well I admit I doubt sometimes
that I'm on Your mind

Just another face
looking up from the crowd
Searching for a way
To talk to You now
Sometimes I feel small
in the scope of it all
and then
I'm reminded again

That the very same God
That dreamt of the oceans
and set the stars into place
Well he knows me by name
The very same God
That put the world into motion
Is listening today
He hears what I say
When I pray

Thank you for the faith
That keeps me inspired
That tells me everyday
How much you desire
Just to hear from me
I can't tell You how much that means
It's so hard to conceive

That the very same God
That dreamt of the oceans
and set the stars into place
Well he knows me by name
The very same God
That put the world into motion
Is listening today
He hears what I say
When I pray

And I believe that You're with me
Lord when I'm on my knees
Your timeless mercy rescues me

That the very same God
That dreamt of the oceans
and set the stars into place
Well he knows me by name
The very same God
That put the world into motion
Is listening today
He hears what I say
When I pray

Defender of Gays- Thank you

This was taken from The Star, newspaper, dated 23rd March 2010.

I am all surprises that GAYS are eventually accepted and nominated for our effort to be good society model.

Yes, we fucked! with our own. but with due respect that we mind our own business and compelled to be a respected to other, man or woman!

I just want to say thank you Malaysian Muslimah.

We are not asking for anybody acceptance, mind our own business. and we do respect other people.

Life in the FAB LINE- its me babe

Sorry for no updates bois!

So far we enjoyed our holiday in Malaysia. A gathering, reception after reception and most important is we are accepted, it is a privilege. Beyond my imagination and thanks God.

I am quite nervous actually to introduce 2 important people in my life. But everything went great. Steve is happy for he has been accepted as part of my family and the adorable Sophie is happy with her new acquaintances.

I am busy for the last 2 weeks, right after coming back to KL from Seoul, Korea for the Conferences. was helping my good friend of mine.

Now we are back in Penang, to rather enjoy our remaining days here before going to Sydney, Australia by end of this March for another short holiday, about 3 weeks with our friend who live there.

I hope the weather are in the good conditions, back there.

I will continue writing but as for now, i need some rest, maybe my aged factor has made me tired and i am not as fast as i used to be long ago. I went to see my 1st cardiologist last week in Tawakal. I haven't meet Dr. C for long time, he advised me not to over work and not to hang out during hot day.

Ghee maybe Dr.C does not know that i am on my holiday. hehhhe.

I will continue my holiday program, no more work, conferences, consultation after this! keep it that way. Let me enjoy my day with my family.

What is hope.................

What hope means

Hope is bright shining light which keeps darkness at the bay
Hope is gentle cold breeze on a hot summer day

Hope is to remain positive when going gets tough
hope is seeking more when others think u had enough

What hope means

Hope is dreaming of tomorrow
Hope is simmering under sorrow

Hope is sparkles when tears in our eyes
Hope is a beautiful thing & beautiful things never dies

What hope means

Hope is as light as a feather
Hope keeps all of us together

Hope is ubiquitous and free of cost
hope is the last thing ever lost.....

Vineet Bansal

I Am Going to Sleep

Teeth of flowers, hairnet of dew,
hands of herbs, you, perfect wet nurse,
prepare the earthly sheets for me
and the down quilt of weeded moss.

I am going to sleep, my nurse, put me to bed.
Set a lamp at my headboard;
a constellation; whatever you like;
all are good: lower it a bit.

Leave me alone: you hear the buds breaking through . . .
a celestial foot rocks you from above
and a bird traces a pattern for you

so you'll forget . . . Thank you. Oh, one request:
if he telephones again
tell him not to keep trying for I have left . . .

Alfonsina Storni

My friends

I have very few friends in my life! Being a popular sanguine, ppl thought that i have a lot of friends from all around the world. Yes i admit that this friends are utterly interested with my brain most of the time.

Friends from academia would only interested with joining together for journal publication or research. If any relation stay alive it is purely academics purposes. Tell me who doesn't want to befriend another Einstein!

Friends from corporate world would only interested with my economic theory on economy development per say! Yes yes i did lend a hand to 1 country and 2 other states in middle east with economic planning and investment! it all works tremendously and we are most welcome to these countries (better not mention the name here). Tell me who doesn't want to befriend with someone who helped you making profits.

Friends from where i came Malaysia! i keep it very few for i have no reasons why! They come and go as if i never care for! Maybe the powerful choleric in me keep me from hoarding a lots of friends. i still can't understand. or maybe i am very weird or freak.

Friends that are closes to me has turn me down and pushed me distance away for the reasons that i chose to migrated to other country (USA). Although i welcome thee to my new place and promised that i would be visiting them every year!

Friends from the blogger site that i never meet them in real life but always be there for me and listening and singing live in YM! they are so near to me that i felt appreciated and i tried my best in return.

I have no friends who will linger with me but Steve! what if one day Steve go perish? will i survive?

Soul Train -Hey There Lonely Girl.

Vocalist extraordinaire Eddie Holman is among the most listened-to artists in the fields of popular and classic R&B music. His unforgettable falsetto voice and the tune that he popularized is perhaps the most recognizable urban love-song in much of the English-speaking world.

"Hey There Lonely Girl" is the beautiful tune that seems to touch every ones soul as it emanates from airwaves or churns from the turntables of fans.

Eddie was recently honored at the Apollo Theater in New York for his 50th Anniversary in show business.

Today! Soul Train proudly bring you, " Hey There Lonely Girl".

Hey there lonely girl, lonely girl
Let me make your broken heart like new
Oh, my lonely girl, lonely girl
Don't you know this lonely boy loves you

Ever since he broke your heart you seem so lost
Each time you pass my way
How I long to take your hand
And say don't cry, I'll kiss your tears away
Hey there lonely girl, lonely girl
Let me make your broken heart like new
Oh my lonely girl, lonely girl
don't you know this lonely boy loves you

You think that only his two lips can kiss your lips
And make your heart stand still
But once you're in my arms you'll see
No one can kiss your lips the way I will
Hey there lonely girl, lonely girl
Let me make your broken heart like new

Oh, my lonely girl, lonely girl
Don't you know this lonely girl loves you
Oh my lonely girl, lonely girl
Don't you know this lonely boy loves you

and i dedicated thing beautiful song to Dear Paul J, who is currently in San Francisco! Don't be too sad darling! you are near to our hearts! always.

Three-word-phrases in our day to day relationship.

My hubby @ Mr Steve insists me to publish the Three-word-phrases in our day to day relationship. We believe (and practice) it can be tools to help develop every relationship. There are many things that you can do to strengthen your relationships. Often the most effective thing you can do involves saying just three words.

To honor his request, the following are the Three-word-phrases of us:

Let me help:
Good friends see a need and then try to fill it. When they see a hurt they do what they can to heal it. Without being asked, they jump in and help out.

I understand you:
People become closer and enjoy each other more when the other person accepts and understands them. Letting your spouse know - in so many little ways - that you understand them, is one of the most powerful tools for healing your relationship. And this can apply to any relationship.

I respect you:
Respect is another way of showing love. Respect demonstrates that another person is a true equal. This applies to all interpersonal relationships.
I miss you:
Perhaps more relationships could be saved and strengthened if couples simply and sincerely said to each other "I miss you." This powerful affirmation tells partners they are wanted, needed, desired and loved. Consider how important you would feel, if you received an unexpected phone call or text message from your spouse in the middle of your workday, just to say "I miss you."


Maybe you're right:
This phrase is very effective in diffusing an argument. The implication when you say "maybe you're right" is the humility of admitting, "maybe I'm wrong". Let's face it. When you have an argument with someone, all you normally do is solidify the other person's point of view. They, or you, will not likely change their position and you run the risk of seriously damaging the relationship between you. Saying "maybe you're right" can open the door to explore the subject more. You may then have the opportunity to express your view in a way that is understandable to the other person.

Please forgive me:
Many broken relationships could be restored and healed if people would admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. All of us are vulnerable to faults, foibles and failures. Let go your ego! A man should never be ashamed to own up that he has been in the wrong, which is saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.


I thank you:
Gratitude is an exquisite form of courtesy. People who enjoy the companionship of good, close friends are those who don't take daily courtesies for granted. They are quick to thank their friends for their many expressions of kindness. On the other hand, people whose circle of friends is severely constricted often do not have the attitude of gratitude.


Count on me:
A friend is one who walks in when others walk out. Loyalty is an essential ingredient for true friendship. It is the emotional glue that bonds people. Those that are rich in their relationships tend to be steady and true friends. When troubles come, a good friend is there - indicating "you can count on me."


I'll be there:
If you have ever had to call a friend in the middle of the night, to take a sick child to hospital, or when your car has broken down some miles from home, you will know how good it feels to hear the phrase "I'll be there." Being there for another person is the greatest gift we can give. When we are truly present for other people, important things happen to them and us. We are renewed in love and friendship. We are restored emotionally and spiritually. Being there is at the very core of civility.

Go for it:
We are all unique individuals. Don't try to get your friends to conform to your ideals. Support them in pursuing their interests, no matter how far out they seem to you. God has given everyone dreams, dreams that are unique to that person only. Support and encourage your friends to follow their dreams. Tell them to "go for it."


I love you:
Perhaps the most important three words that you can say. Telling someone that you truly love them satisfies a person's deepest emotional needs - the need to belong, to feel appreciated and to be wanted. Your spouse, your children, your friends and you, all need to hear those three little words: "I love you." Love is a choice. You can love even when the feeling is gone.

Have you watch this movie...sorry this movie was reschedule to be on screen in April 2010. wait for it.