"Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us."

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

More Than You Wanted to Know






I knew that i had a heart problem or the right term is Cardiomyopathy, which literally means "heart muscle disease," but

At the age of 33, I thought I was in great health. I had run regularly from the age of 12, and always took care my diet. Although I never thought I was invincible, I had no idea that I would have a heart attack. My family had always had a history of cancer so I figured that if I got sick, this would be my fate (hopefully later on down the line).

However, one day I finished working in the IBM research lab and was driving home with my husband Steve, when I became short of breath. It was an awful feeling--I felt like I was smothering to death and going to pass out. Steve called 911 and was told to get me to the nearest hospital which he did.

The fact that I was short of breath and shaking like a leaf, the doctor decided I need to do Electrocardiogram(EKG) and told me i am all ok . Actually, I later learned that shortness of breath and a sense of impending doom or death were signs of heart problems.

I felt ok once I left the hospital and even for a week or two later. I was on Conference in Boston, Massachusetts when I again got short of breath and could not walk. I was so dizzy, scared and light-headed that I spent the day in bed until finally that night, I went to an emergency room. I told the doctors about the last emergency room thought I had and they tried some breathing treatments for asthma.

Amazingly, while in the emergency room, a man in his thirties or forties came in with shortness of breath. He was whisked off for heart tests and his wife and two little children were there crying. I felt so sorry for them.

Later, I saw a doctor telling his wife that he had stomach problems and his heart was in good condition. If only I could have said the same! The doctors finally did an EKG after I told them that the breathing treatments were not working.

The results said that I had a possible MI(Blood Pressure effect). A cardiologist came into the room, looked at the reading and shrugged, stating that many "thin" in their 30's who were average had a similar reading. I took his word for it and left.

I finally persuaded my regular doctor at John Hopkin's to look at my heart. He finally sent me for tests. He called back and told me to get to the hospital. My husband Steve was with me at the time and took me to the hospital. I had tests including a heart catheterization that helps doctors to see inside the heart.

Later, when I was back in my room, the cardiologist came in and told me that I had suffered from a heart attack and also had a ventricular aneurysm (a ballooned out area of the heart) as a result of not resting my heart after the heart attack. I had been told that I had panic disorder so I thought that exercise would be good.

From mere Cardiomyopathy, i have got myself a heart attack! i have quit my teaching job at the university and went for vacation as been advised by Cardiologist and give some ample time for the medication to show some results before moving to next stage.

Maybe the Malaysian weather is too hot for me and the temptation for the food, although i am well behave and passed the foods tests, all in all, i am not very sure. I had a heart attacks last week and was unconscious and was admitted to the hospital at Penang!

Now here i am, back in New York, at the John Hopkins Hospital after the Surgeon has put in 2 balloon into my artery from the groin (lucky i have shaved). What is the term Angiogram! i am not sure.

I am alright for now,but i couldn't tell any different after the procedure. Right very moments i am in the Cardiac rehabilitation and will go on for about 3 more weeks.

Thank you for the prayer! I really don't wanna this story to be the big ho-ha! but Steve has wrote his prayer in this very blog!

Thank you again! and don't ignore any chest pain , it is time to check your heart once every year.

Friday, March 26, 2010

I pray



Well it's another day

And I'm thinking about
The things I wanna say
But my thoughts are like clouds
drifting far away
Well I admit I doubt sometimes
that I'm on Your mind

Just another face
looking up from the crowd
Searching for a way
To talk to You now
Sometimes I feel small
in the scope of it all
and then
I'm reminded again

That the very same God
That dreamt of the oceans
and set the stars into place
Well he knows me by name
The very same God
That put the world into motion
Is listening today
He hears what I say
When I pray

Thank you for the faith
That keeps me inspired
That tells me everyday
How much you desire
Just to hear from me
I can't tell You how much that means
It's so hard to conceive

That the very same God
That dreamt of the oceans
and set the stars into place
Well he knows me by name
The very same God
That put the world into motion
Is listening today
He hears what I say
When I pray

And I believe that You're with me
Lord when I'm on my knees
Your timeless mercy rescues me

That the very same God
That dreamt of the oceans
and set the stars into place
Well he knows me by name
The very same God
That put the world into motion
Is listening today
He hears what I say
When I pray

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Defender of Gays- Thank you


This was taken from The Star, newspaper, dated 23rd March 2010.

I am all surprises that GAYS are eventually accepted and nominated for our effort to be good society model.

Yes, we fucked! with our own. but with due respect that we mind our own business and compelled to be a respected to other, man or woman!

I just want to say thank you Malaysian Muslimah.

We are not asking for anybody acceptance, mind our own business. and we do respect other people.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Life in the FAB LINE- its me babe


Sorry for no updates bois!

So far we enjoyed our holiday in Malaysia. A gathering, reception after reception and most important is we are accepted, it is a privilege. Beyond my imagination and thanks God.

I am quite nervous actually to introduce 2 important people in my life. But everything went great. Steve is happy for he has been accepted as part of my family and the adorable Sophie is happy with her new acquaintances.

I am busy for the last 2 weeks, right after coming back to KL from Seoul, Korea for the Conferences. was helping my good friend of mine.

Now we are back in Penang, to rather enjoy our remaining days here before going to Sydney, Australia by end of this March for another short holiday, about 3 weeks with our friend who live there.

I hope the weather are in the good conditions, back there.

I will continue writing but as for now, i need some rest, maybe my aged factor has made me tired and i am not as fast as i used to be long ago. I went to see my 1st cardiologist last week in Tawakal. I haven't meet Dr. C for long time, he advised me not to over work and not to hang out during hot day.

Ghee maybe Dr.C does not know that i am on my holiday. hehhhe.

I will continue my holiday program, no more work, conferences, consultation after this! keep it that way. Let me enjoy my day with my family.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

What is hope.................


What hope means

Hope is bright shining light which keeps darkness at the bay
Hope is gentle cold breeze on a hot summer day

Hope is to remain positive when going gets tough
hope is seeking more when others think u had enough

What hope means

Hope is dreaming of tomorrow
Hope is simmering under sorrow

Hope is sparkles when tears in our eyes
Hope is a beautiful thing & beautiful things never dies

What hope means

Hope is as light as a feather
Hope keeps all of us together

Hope is ubiquitous and free of cost
hope is the last thing ever lost.....

Vineet Bansal

Saturday, March 13, 2010

I Am Going to Sleep

Teeth of flowers, hairnet of dew,
hands of herbs, you, perfect wet nurse,
prepare the earthly sheets for me
and the down quilt of weeded moss.

I am going to sleep, my nurse, put me to bed.
Set a lamp at my headboard;
a constellation; whatever you like;
all are good: lower it a bit.

Leave me alone: you hear the buds breaking through . . .
a celestial foot rocks you from above
and a bird traces a pattern for you

so you'll forget . . . Thank you. Oh, one request:
if he telephones again
tell him not to keep trying for I have left . . .

Alfonsina Storni

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

My friends



I have very few friends in my life! Being a popular sanguine, ppl thought that i have a lot of friends from all around the world. Yes i admit that this friends are utterly interested with my brain most of the time.

Friends from academia would only interested with joining together for journal publication or research. If any relation stay alive it is purely academics purposes. Tell me who doesn't want to befriend another Einstein!

Friends from corporate world would only interested with my economic theory on economy development per say! Yes yes i did lend a hand to 1 country and 2 other states in middle east with economic planning and investment! it all works tremendously and we are most welcome to these countries (better not mention the name here). Tell me who doesn't want to befriend with someone who helped you making profits.

Friends from where i came Malaysia! i keep it very few for i have no reasons why! They come and go as if i never care for! Maybe the powerful choleric in me keep me from hoarding a lots of friends. i still can't understand. or maybe i am very weird or freak.

Friends that are closes to me has turn me down and pushed me distance away for the reasons that i chose to migrated to other country (USA). Although i welcome thee to my new place and promised that i would be visiting them every year!

Friends from the blogger site that i never meet them in real life but always be there for me and listening and singing live in YM! they are so near to me that i felt appreciated and i tried my best in return.

I have no friends who will linger with me but Steve! what if one day Steve go perish? will i survive?